Shame dies when stories are told in safe places
Ann Voskamp
Are you worried about your friend?
Things to think about
Just by starting the conversation you're signaling that you're there for your friend, and she has someone to go to about what she is experiencing. It can be daunting opening up this type of conversation when you may not necessarily feel like you have the right answers or education yourself.
The important thing to remember is that you are opening up an opportunity to talk, be supportive and provide a non-judgmental and safe space.
Here are some important things to bear in mind, as you start to open up the conversation:
Suspend judgement - try not to ask her why she's still in the relationship or why she hasn't left yet. Women need to be heard in a non judgemental, safe conversation so that their feelings of shame are minimised.
Support her to make her own decisions - it's really important at a time when women feel least in control in their lives that they are supported to make decisions themselves and that they have agency in what actions they determine are best for them.
Be aware of the supports and resources - it may not be safe for your friend to search for resources and supports online or via their phone, so you can play a key role in downloading safety plans, checklists and phone numbers for her. You can also look at resources together and work on any actions your friend may want to take.
Maintain contact and be patient - even if she doesn't initially open up about what you suspect may be happening in her relationship, maintaining contact and safely checking in means that you will be a safe person for her to go to when she's ready. This is a critical resource of support when she may need it most.
How to have a difficult conversation about potential abuse
Often, we may notice behaviours in others that the person on the receiving end doesn't see. This can be because its been normalised, laughed away, explained by the person just "being them" or the person on the receiving end is being abused and conditioned or controlled.
Safe relationships between women can often be the support, resource and compassion a woman needs to begin confronting thoughts about her experience, particularly when it has been ongoing, pervasive and hidden from others.
If you can approach a conversation with your friend with empathy, consideration and without judgement. Here are some thoughtful questions you could consider:
- How do you feel in your relationship, both emotionally and physically? - This question encourages self-reflection on their own feelings and overall safety.
- Do you feel comfortable expressing your needs and concerns to your partner? - This can reveal if there is open communication and mutual respect.
- Have there been any instances where you felt threatened or unsafe? - This helps identify specific situations that may indicate danger.
- Do you have a support system you can rely on if needed? - Understanding if they have friends or family to rely on is crucial. It might be helpful to also ask what your friend needs from you.
- Are there any changes in your partner's behavior that concern you? - This can highlight potential red flags that need more swift/urgent attention. It can also gently encourage safe reflection. It's important that you believe any reflection that's shared with you.
- Do you feel respected and valued in your relationship? - Respect and value are fundamental for a safe and healthy relationship.
- Is there anything that you wish could change in your relationship to feel more secure or safe? - This encourages them to think about what improvements could enhance their safety and well-being.
- How does your partner handle conflict or disagreements? Do you feel safe during those times?
These questions are designed to open up a dialogue to help a woman to reflect and think about her relationship's safety in a supportive and non-judgmental way alongside a trusted friend.
Safety Planning
Safety Plans
The safest and best way to plan to leave an abusive or unsafe relationship is with a support service such as 1800 RESPECT.
This site has important checklists and information on the things you can do to start to plan to leave.
If you're in Victoria, you can attend in person to an Orange Door service near you.
Go Bags
We are launching a project to provide resources in a handy Go Bag. Information on this resource is coming soon.